I’ve seen things that defy all rhyme and reason. I tag my blog posts falsely with ‘spirituality‘ because that is the only way I’ll get clicks on any of this shit.
I need to say, I don’t speak on behalf of other mania/psychosis ‘sufferers’. I just know something freaky and wonderous happened to me which I’ll never forget even when I’m old and grey.
I’ve seen naked Griffith sculpted immaculately in the clouds. Not a realistic CGI hallucination, but absolute stylized artistry from Gods art team themselves. I’ve seen fairy dust on my shoulder, with intricate images drawn into it. I saw this substance magically dissolving like a powder floating off on the breeze when the sunlight touched it.
I’ve seen strange apparitions lead me down rainy dark night Adelaide streets, completely lost somewhere around Unley. I saw the vision of little Griffith forever ahead of me in the light on the bitumen.
I am forever working on how I convey this magic I’ve experienced. To other people, it means nothing. It means nothing other than that I am crazy.
So you say you’ve seen things in the clouds like Simba seeing Mufasa? Like fat chance I will ever believe that, you’re batshit-crazy-lady.
I think of my mom a lot. Since she died, my life got turned upside down. Wrecked in fact, really. This leads me to say something.
It is insulting to me when people say they think there is no afterlife, or even simply a meaning to life. For starters, I want to believe my precious mum is in a better place but also, I am doubly offended because I have experienced other worlds.
I wont be believed for saying that I have accessed another reality only I could see. Nobody else saw the massive naked Griffith with the crumbled conviction tower standing resplendently over the Adelaide CBD as I walked into the city. Such image signified to me that my dad had taken care of my Adelaide uni absences for now, my uni representing the ‘system‘ or whatnot.
My point being, I’ve been in realms beyond imagination. It frustrates me greatly that I can’t find the worlds to describe it. So I remain as part of the ‘crazy crew’.
This leads me to say, this makes me feel that the experiences of the manic/psychotic etc. will always be shoved away. Although I believe my experiences are spiritual/supernatural, I have to dial it down when talking to many people. That’s because they don’t relate to mental health and they sure as heck don’t relate to me saying a magical entity puppets my body.
I have wondered in recent months, if this phenomena is simply a split personality? If it is, it is masterfully done to move me when I have no conscious thought of doing so. Instead, it is more obvious to me, that I am dealing with something higher with more power than a pathetic human brain can imagine. Yeah I believe that.
Still, I care a lot about mental health and perceptions of mania and psychosis. When I had tried to make sense of my bittersweet (very bitter though) psychosis of 2020, people around me tended to look at me funny. That’s where it started, being an outcast.
Having the belief that mania/psychosis is something more wont make you popular with anyone, but its the road I have to follow, because it has been shown to me. I have lived a fantasy I know wasn’t in my head.
Even now this thing puppets my head with nods and shakes, it would drive any normal person mad. But what is madness? When you have endured endless onslaught of strange experiences. Luckily I have been trained for this. Psychosis was the training, I passed with flying colors. I am used to my body phasing in and out of space time, as in yes I thought I was becoming a man. I have experienced paralysis and the sense of multiple beings inhabiting my one body. I have been beyond madness, felt every sort of mental and psychical pain even if it is ‘in the mind.’ So everything else you can toss at a person (besides from enduring war ) seems like baby play.
But what good are those words when nobody believes you, nobody is in awe of your strength? Mania & psychosis sufferers can go through a lot, probably someone has experienced something just as dark as mine and we are told it happens all within our heads. There are bipolar patients like this woman I met in 2020 that said she would ‘go right back into writing [her] alien book once [she] was out‘. Obviously these people believe in strange occurrences, whether they keep up believing it as insistently as me, is dubious.
I am on my last legs. My last breaths. I have accepted nobody wants to hear me talk about that time I saw Berserk images appear in my porridge while in a hospital bed at the RAH. I’ve accepted that I am considered ‘freaky‘ in the subconscious of people who hear my stories. It is unnerving yes, hearing some woman spout that she’s basically been puppeted by God(s). Who in their right mind would believe that?
It makes sense. To give up, to resign to doing game dev, art and whatnot and forsaking this bad habit of attempting to talk about ‘the spirit’. It’s story doesn’t want to be shared, that’s for sure. All I can say is I think my art was ‘taken‘ two years ago post psychosis for a reason. That reason is, I’m not meant to be a great artist, I’m meant to be an oracle and let the spirit breathe through me.
I am consistently unable to find the words, whether verbally and written, I cry over my phone or computer often, feeling this unbearable burden weigh on me. Being afraid of at any moment relapsing back into a fairytale, but also somehow craving to live in the place my ‘mania’ showed me. I have experienced withdrawals, craving answers and making meanings, hoping to be saved by something bigger and beyond my understanding. It does my head in, attempting to make sense of the bizarre yet fandom-specific visions I’ve seen.
I have decided that whatever it is, so be it God or multiple Gods, loves to be cheeky. It loves to play. It loves to make a little humble human like me smile in amazement. It loves to toy around a bit, to freak out whomever it choses to. It is full of love. Of course, it has sent me through realms of darkness, which frighten me. I can’t ever go back there.
For all the darkness, ‘mania‘ has also shown me chiaroscuro GriffGuts in a park benches wintry condensation. I think whatever it is, is looking out for me. 🙂
Yes I am much beyond madness.