anger and un-loneliness

For the first part of this blog I’ll say, I turn to anger because of what happened to me years in the past that has had horrific consequences on my life to this day. I lost my career because I am unable to draw at the intensity and quality that I used to. I wasn’t directly kicked out of any job, but instead resigned to my fate after my first psychotic break, hey that kinda rhymed.

My first impulse is sadness, to cry my soul out. This somehow then collapses into anger. Such is how Berserk ties into my life over and over. I’ve lost the ability to cry like I used to, every time I think I’m about to, I end up resorting to this voice within me, one I call the Femto.

The Femto is a voice I found in this video below. Miura had passed away and I had been ‘transcending space-time‘ for a few weeks, not quite sure why I was experiencing fire across my body, out of body sensations like my head being on ‘another plane of existence.’ and a dark sunken feeling unlike any other in my head.

I found ‘the Femto‘ as a dark voice that says ‘I will NOT be fucked with’. I am in CONTROL. I know what has been done to ME. It is something that has surprised and scared me sometimes at how it emerges. Like a whispering witch, someone that holds a dark power nobody else can imagine. It is a voice that has been scorned and rejected from society. Griffith’s anger over his tortured mind, body and pride.

This is why I turn to this voice sometimes. Without meaning to, because I slip over to it somehow. It is why I cannot cry over what has been done to me, it is a voice that seeks revenge for what has happened to it, but also is too in control to give a shit. It is not a split personality, it is me. Fuck you an your psychiatric labels. My inner core that holds such a wrath it only seems to appear in jagged bursts.

Broken leg child

On a side note I’m doing a week long game jam and I at least rigged and animated the child above (not to mention, DREW IT). So it’s to be expected I am not a master Unity animator.

In other news, I told my psychiatrist a lot yesterday. About my belief system for the first time. I said a bit about believing in spirits and what not, just the sheer beauty of it all.

What I want to say however is, I told my psychiatrist how I have lost nearly all interest in socialising. He wrote down a heck of a lot at this stage. I explained that nobody really believes what I have to say, especially about the profoundly beautiful things I’ve seen in my ‘mania’. Mania being something I told him, I really don’t think anyone understands yet.

My point is, I have only a scrap of interest in dealing with people. People message me and I don’t even check. I feel completely apathetic about online acquaintances. I have grown to have less and less ‘friends‘ because of my accidents, and how they saw my online posts obviously earned me some mutes. 😐

I learnt months ago that nobody wanted to hear my stories. That it would always come back to ‘jesus christ you treated you dad like that‘ and ‘that sounds like autism’ being some of the worst insults I’ve gotten.

So, why bother? When all you get are weird stares and deflected topics?

So I have learnt to not bother, to give up and stay in my own little world. To be honest, I am not lonely ever since I found spirituality. I’ll leave it at that, since I am aware of how bizarre it sounds to say a doozy like ‘something puppets me’.

I am irritated by many people. I don’t want to turn this into an autism-bashing post, but boy do people use autism as an excuse for being rude. Point is, I have little patience for awkward encounters, tolerating people, acting like a damn carer while my head is imploding from the stress of being around them.

I mainly don’t feel comfortable with others because I have to talk about ‘normie world’ things. Things I struggle with. School, jobs, relationships, careers, projects, skills, that garbage. Vela’s weakness, her capacity to be valid as a normal world hooman with desirable traits. Phooey!

crappy unfinished picture but best I feel like doing rn

I chose to live in my own safe world. I experience a sense of un-loneliness because of my spiritual experiences. I lose myself in the glistening sparkles of the oceans waves, I sense a magic in all things, something higher.

The way Adelaide looks after rain reminds me of when I was led down rainy dark night Adelaide streets by an apparition of ‘little Griffith’. I saw it distinctly, such visions are no lie. A sparkling form of a white pearly glowing child leading forever in front of me, within the moving reflections on the wet bitumen.

Go ahead and steal my stories big shot people, I’ve felt and seen it.

He was accompanied by long wavy serpentine beasty forms and led me to what appeared to be a fairy den, where large trees commanded my respect and made me kneel. I was a bit afraid at looking directly at some of the more intimidating creatures I saw. I think they aren’t meant for human eyes to gawk at. I’ve seen things that have made me certain that even if there was ‘no God’, there is something higher that loves to toy with humans. Or maybe just toy with me, it bloody loves doing that.

At the end of the day, I will call it spirituality if that scares people less. I’ve had people call me ‘broken’, ‘having a breakdown’ and ‘creepy’. I’ve felt all manner of hurtful words in person and online. I have endured more than many people ever will. All I know is, my anger and loneliness melt away when I’m in it’s embrace. Over and out.

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