I would like to do more daily posts to talk through some anxiety.
Life has been full of fear for me. Anxiety, dread, sui*id*l ideation, low self esteem you name it. For two bloody stinking years.
My current goals are just to enjoy socializing, daily activities, breathing and simply existing without fear and sadness.
To fully enjoy making games and art and blogging and gaming again. To feel like I have worthy skills that maybe someday people might recognize. To feel like I love my skills and love my intelligence, to love myself for my strength.
I’ve had a very scary and bizarre last few years, as I mentioned two posts ago.
I had something happen to me in ‘psychosis’ that reduced my art ability severely. I don’t want to discuss that since that’s the reason I made this site, to run away and start fresh. Whatever happened to me busted my brain, psychiatrists tell me I’ll heal though.
I’m only now reaching a healing stage where I’m digitally painting again and am pleasantly surprised by the results. Is it a fluke, I say to myself. Dismissing it as simply me getting lucky with my brain coordination.
Being bad at art following my 2020 psychosis accident has been life-shatteringly devastating for me. I could find no help online for ‘brain slowing’ and to understand why the bloody hell I couldn’t sketch and paint like I used to.
Morons online brought up ‘creativity loss’ but it’s not that.
The psychiatrists call it ‘mental slowing”. A very vague broad label that defines nothing.
Ironically it targeted the corner of my brain that does art skills, my favorite and only good thing about myself. Poop. Sound more like the supernatural if you ask me.
I turned to game dev for visual novels eventually, and Rubble and Rust offered solace. I worked through some feelings about my ‘busted brain’. Eventually after a second ‘mania’ my feelings on the game changed, as I said yesterday. I know everyone says to finish what you’ve started, but being through brain frying psychosis x2 shakes up your life more than others can understand.
This is where I get to the posts theme, people tell you to stay in your place.
If you are an artist, you can’t code. Stay in your place. Or maybe its just that people want to stay in their places? I just want to grow and be thrilled by the games/art/programming I am able to do. Art isn’t my absolute safe space anymore, it comes with a lot of anxiety. GML (Game Maker Language) however, is a fresh slate for me and uses a different part of my brain.
I worry my brain slowing means I can’t even do programming right. Daily life has been a sluggish struggle for two years.
I fall back into fear, self loathing and depression so easily. Like a tension in my chest saying I’ll never be normal like other people. Experiencing the supernatural already has told me I am different, and will be considered a freak for disclosing my experiences.
But I want to just be ‘normal’. To be without this dread that says “You can’t paint or draw, you suck remember!” and “Programming is for smarter people, you’ll never make the game you want to”.
That is depression speaking, and I don’t want to indulge in lazing around the house doing nothing. I wont be doing nothing soon since I have a Disability TAFE course starting next week.
Someone commented annoyingly on my GM forum profile telling me that it’s not about copying tutorials. One I haven’t copied anything, (they weren’t referring to this game anyways). I made a rebuttal but don’t really wanna fight with someone online, I have enough insecurities and online interactions are full of antagonistic experiences.
We have to ‘copy’ tutorials to finally begin to understand and make our own code.
Someone else called my gameplay (of this game) ‘rough’ like no shit. I just started it. Am I meant to be a pro in under a week? I didn’t have the GMS manual because I was offline on a boat sailing around Tasmania (true). That is why the game stage is themed around the Tasmanian wilderness and animals and scenery I REALLY saw.
I have made this game a bit too ambitious without solidifying the whole code by playtesting. Therefore I’ve encountered my issues multiplying as things interact with other things. I am new to programming practices since Ren’Py wasn’t doing much. I’m trying to practice self kindness and just get my head around the basic things like #macro‘s and all the GML functions.
I’m on a online team for GGJ this next weekend too. Although I’d prefer to do pixel art, they want 2D art. That is still a challenge and I could let insecurity eat away at me, but I know I’m a decent artist. I hope I have something to talk about after the GGJ.
Maybe I should stay in my place and stay away from programming? A part of me gets a high when my code works, or when it does something unexpected and funny. So it offers enjoyment.
So, I’ll march right on out of my comfort zone, thank you very much.